Every time I look at myself in the mirror I find myself wondering, is this really me? What do people see in me, and what do I see in me? Are these points of view contradictory? Who sees good and who sees bad in me? Who is right and who is wrong? This is the beginning of my story…
Growing up I lived a life conditioned by whatever was happening to me, life to me was always hard and fear was my number one companion. I was probably the only kid I ever met with low self-esteem that was lower than low.
This was actually the time when motivational materials were starting to be appreciated by many people around the world, and by luck I got to read one quote that really shook me. “A person is not a product of his conditions, but a product of his decisions.” This quote shook me because it made me wonder what I did wrong , but sometimes nature does have the upper hand over logic right?
Now since I had low self-esteem, I automatically earned a label in my family “the shy kid”, which they didn’t seem to have a problem sharing with the whole, and although they didn’t realise it then, that title did a whole lot of damage every single time I heard it, and trust me I didn’t hear it only once. So what happened every time I heard it? You may wonder. I’d like you to ask yourself this. “If every time I get hurt I loose a piece of my soul, what will be left of me when I’m older?” You may either say nothing or bitterness. Being young then, I was yet to find out.
So years went by, and I was still being stigmatised by being called shy, something which at first I wasn’t sure was true, but it was becoming true, and as years went by, I kept on loosing my link to humanity bit by bit… One thing about having to go through a life full of pain and suffering is that each and and every time you get hurt, you learn something new, but unfortunately for me, I didn’t get the chance of learning anything good.
Hate, it has done so much damage to this world than good no matter what a person’s prior intentions were, right? Like a demon, it crushes and devours the host from the inside bit by bit until there is nothing left, and guess who got Hate as a new friend, me.
When I learnt about hate, I got so hooked to it mainly because I thought I could manipulate it into a shield for protecting myself from “hurting”. With it I felt so powerful, because I could literally feel darkness radiating from me everywhere I went. I became a mega jerk, critic, and pessimist. I felt so good then to kill the self-esteem of others, and looking back now I really pity myself because while hurting others, I was dying in the inside. Sometimes the people who hurt others most are usually the ones hurting the most but they just don’t know how to deal with it. I was one of them.
The magnitude of the damage I had caused in this world was so great such that I am afraid of what I was, and who I was becoming, and this was just because I was living a life based on my conditions.
Not only was I hurting myself, but everyone around me.
I realised that nature sometimes doesn’t really mean good, and that is when I decided to use my decisions to control my life, and my journey began in 17th September 2015 when I first decided to write.
“Make A Choice”
“No matter how hard or tricky this time is and could become, choices are the only things that can get us through them. Others don’t call choices choices, they refer to them as decisions, and yes, they are right about that…and you’re right too. You are wise in your own way and no one can make you loose your grip if you don’t let them! Oh! Always remember, even though ‘man is to error’ don’t make mistakes everyday.”
– Martin Oywa
It’s really short, but I still loved it because that is the day I decided to feel something by letting something that I thought I had lost forever back in
Thank you for reading this article and have an awesome week.
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